


Hormones (What To Do With Them)

by Tenshi_Nanashi



Category: Naruto
Genre: F/M, Hormones, The Talk, double standards
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-30
Updated: 2018-07-30
Packaged: 2019-06-18 11:33:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15484848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tenshi_Nanashi/pseuds/Tenshi_Nanashi
Summary: A kinda peek into how different groups handle hormones and The Talk. Humorous piece although the first couple paragraphs are more just world building.“This is going in your baby book!” Tsume crows.





	Hormones (What To Do With Them)

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, this is just a one off. I got bored and wrote it in less than 30. And as always, I own nothing. Also I don't always read comments.

—The Shinobi—  
No shinobi should engage in sexual acts with an enemy of the village unless it is within the parameters of the mission (honeypot/assassination), it is impossible to avoid (sex pollen, see Kusa ~~incident~~ mission 134-15322), or it is the only way out of a tricky situation (distraction or escape tactic). If a shinobi has sex with an enemy of the village they must report to their direct superior (or anyone higher up the chain of command to their superior) and report to T &I for questioning. They must be sent to the hospital for testing after the initial questioning to determine their physical wellbeing. If they were forced into sexual acts (raped) there will be no sanctions taken so long as a mindwalk proves no wrongdoing, however they will be required to meet with a counselor until they are mental stable as diagnosed by that counselor.

Where children may be involved: If they have fathered a child or suspect they have fathered a child, sanctions will be placed upon them and their family (unless the child is a result of rape) if it can be proven that they fathered the child through negligence on their part (not taking or using contraceptives). If the child has a Konoha kekkei genkai then retrieval of that child is a priority. If they are pregnant with a child with a Konoha kekkei genkai they will be removed from missions ranked S, A , or B. The mother will receive a stipend for the first year after reporting pregnancy so long as the pregnancy is the result of a mission. If they are pregnant with a child that has a kekkei genkai from outside fire country the mother will be removed from S, A, and B rank missions for the duration of the pregnancy and be restricted to Konohagakure for any mission they take. They will receive a stipend for the first five years after reporting pregnancy so long as the pregnancy resulted from a mission.

If a shinobi has engaged in sexual acts with an enemy of the village without knowing that their partner is an enemy of the village, they will be questioned intensely by T&I. If it is determined that they showed bad judgment or minor gave village information to the enemy, they and their family will be sanctioned. If their actions are deemed traitorous (they gave classified information to the enemy), they will be imprisoned or executed and their families sanctioned.

_“Mission complete. And can I say thank you?” Genma smiles widely at the Hokage, twirling his senbon between his teeth. “Thank you very much!”_

 

—The Civillians—  
A male can have sex prior to marriage but any female having sex before a ring is on her finger will be shunned as a whore. In order to catch a husband: a young female must eat little, be skinny, have long hair, and smooth even skin. In order to find a wife: a man must have a home of his own or the means to acquire one.

_“See that boy, he is the last of a clan with a powerful kekkei genkai…good looking…and rich,” Mebuki gestures to a boy a little ways off._  
_Sakura peers at the boy through her pink hair and smiles shyly._

 

—The Clans—

*Aburame*  
The Aburame have taken a practical stance on sexual education. They explain using bugs as an example, even going to far as to point out positions and pregnancies. The fact that many insects have more than a few offspring at a time tends to make them less likely to be careless with sex or sexual partner.

_Shino peers at the mating bugs, stops, raises his head slightly with a dawning dread, and slowly turns to face his father. Shibi’s face is grim as he begins his monotone lecture._

 

—Inuzuka—  
The Inuzuka use embarrassment to try to stop their offspring from humping just anyone’s leg. They tend to be more free about their bodies and sex than many other clans, but will hunt down and reclaim their offspring as a clan should one be born outside of Konoha.

_Kiba is panting and moaning when the flash of a light blinds him and he looks up to see his mother grinning with a camera in hand._  
_“This is going in your baby book!” Tsume crows._  
_“MOM!”_

 

—Uchiha—  
The Uchiha took a very solemn and restrained view on sex. They were often match-made as children and married young, but children outside of marriage usually meant someone’s family member was going after the other partner with a sword, sharingan spinning.

_Itachi dodges the kunai. “And you have not impregnated anyone, right? Because I would hate to have to kill someone.”_  
_“Die!” Sasuke yells as he tries slicing his brother to pieces._

—Uzumaki—  
The Uzumaki had loud, brawl inducing talks with lots of verbal ticks being thrown around. They were given to overblown dramatics and wailing was often heard during these talks.

_Iruka smacks Nartuo on the back of the head forcing him out of his naked female transformation. “Where did you even see a naked woman?”_  
_“The nee-sans over near my place.” Naruto blinks at Iruka from where he landed on the floor. “They taught me lots of things, dattebayo!”_

 

—Nara—  
The Nara are lazy enough that sometimes they just don’t bother to have the troublesome conversation at all. Lazy they may be but they are also geniuses, and if geniuses can’t figure out how to engage in sexual acts without being troublesome or getting into troublesome situations…then no one can.

_The Shogi match has been going on for hours._  
_Neither boy nor man say a single word throughout it._  
_At the end, they both fall asleep over the board._

—Yamanaka—  
Yamanaka are mindwalkers and have extensive knowledge on the subject. Occasionally someone will get it in their head to just data dump all that’s needed to know into their offspring’s mind to avoid the actual talking. These are usually men with daughters. But not every Yamanaka even needs to begin the talk. Some precocious kids will have heard and learned enough as to be experts by the time their hormones actually hit.

_Ino looks at her father incredulously before laughing, “Of course I won’t get pregnant, Dad! There’s plenty of things that feel great and don’t lead to pregnancy!”_  
_Inoichi falls wailing to the ground face first._

—Akimichi—  
The Akimichi are big-boned and strong but often gentle giants. They steer their children with a leading hand, never forcing but rather guiding them in the right direction so they can make informed decisions and chose well. Their conversations after plentiful, short, and usually take place at the dinner table.

_Chouji and Chouza eat side by side. Chouza says, “Remember to choose wisely, son.”_  
_Chouji, cheeks stuffed with food, nods._

 

fin


End file.
